Amber Jo Illsley
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This is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in this book are fictional, and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely coincidental.
Amber Jo Illsley was born in the Tasman District, northern South Island of New Zealand and spent much of her early life in various places around the district.
She later moved to the wild West Coast of the South Island where the setting for her book "A Gentle Undertaking" was established.
Amber Jo's love of animals is shared with a love of books and writing. She has already had three books of poetry published as well as several historical works and is currently working alternately on several novels.
A freelance journalist for 12 years, the author has spent much of her time in traveling, in her own country and overseas in the course of her work.
She now lives in Christchurch on the East Coast of the South Island.
This title was nominated for the Frankfurt eBook Awards.
This new story of Amber Jo Illsley’s – “A Gentle Undertaking”, is a story in a believable place and time.
The characters are very original but real - very odd but real. Their names are tongue twisters or mind twisters - difficult names to say, but they are in keeping with the story.
The setting made me feel I was back in my small hometown years ago before the computer revolution where life was simple, where people were naughty but lovely and also funny.
“A Gentle Undertaking” captures the essence of when a person dies and all that happens behind the scenes. One of the real highlights was when they had to say something nice about the deceased: it was written just as one might expect it to happen, and yet there were unexpected twists and turns that kept you hankering for more.
This is a story for anyone - everyday happenings written in a way that leaves you smiling and thinking, and relating to the numerous funny incidents.
A MUST read. - Pierre Pollard, Timaru Herald
Chapter One:
Plump and healthy Rosamund Henry uses her feminine wiles to lure her overworked and weary husband away from the television set and into bed. He yields, but his wife's demands are too much and he dies peacefully in bed. While this is happening, local 'ratbags' Rangitata Hingi and Paddy O'Leary are in the pub, swapping stories.
Chapter Two:
Jolie Stout, as her name suggests, is also a plump woman, and friend and neighbour to Rosamund. When Jolie hears wailing coming from Rosamund's house, she investigates to find her friend in a terrible state. After comforting her, Jolie returns home to tell her husband Fred the sad news. Meanwhile, Father O'Reilly the Catholic priest takes pleasure in checking on the church valuables. When he leaves the vestry, Paddy sneaks in to alter the ledger figures and steal some of the church treasures.
Chapter Three:
Horace Forsythe feasts his bulging eyes on the beautiful dancers on television, while his wife Hortensia watches in disgust.
Back home with church treasures, Paddy does some soul-searching, calling out for his long-dead mother. Next morning a wary Paddy is informed by the priest of Johnson Henry's death and the funeral arrangements.
Chapter Four:
In the funeral parlour, directors Calvin Longfellow and Reginald Binks (Reggie) also discuss the Henry death. When Rosamund visits, the directors almost fall over each other in their efforts to please her. Both 'fancy' the plump new widow, particularly Calvin.
Following Rosamund's visit, Rangitata and another of his dubious friends - Charlie Hack arrive, with the query to view coffins. Rangitata has strung a tale about an "Uncle Rangatira" who has just died, but in reality the coffin is to be used to transport stolen goods.
Chapter Five:
Paddy sits in the long grass at the back of the church, falls asleep and is awakened by the sound of schoolboy Lionel trying to persuade his latest girlfriend into allowing him to have sex with her. Paddy tells the boy off; Lionel insults him and Paddy promptly thumps the boy. In the graveyard later on in the evening Paddy plays a trick on Lionel and yet another girlfriend. Calvin visits Rosamund and flirts with her.
Chapter Six:
Jolie Stout complains bitterly about her friend Rosamund. Jolie is jealous of the attention Rosamund is receiving and tries her wiles on her husband Fred, who doesn't respond. In the same town, Horace and Hortensia bicker over the rumours about Horace's affairs.
Out on their farm, Percy Windlemass trudges home after a hard day's work, his mind wandering from thoughts of Rangitata (who works part-time for him), to his life with Matilda - sharp elbowed and acid-tongued Matilda, and finally to thoughts of plump Rosamund.
Chapter Seven:
Calvin has only been at Rosamund's house for a short while when Reggie visits, intent on thwarting Calvin's designs on the widow. Then Horace visits with the same idea in mind as Calvin. He is closely followed by Percy, then Fred and Jolie Stout. But it's the final straw when Father O'Reilly visits and delivers an unofficial sermon.
Chapter Eight:
At Rangitata's bach the friends carefully pack stolen treasures into the coffin and later go to the pub where a band is playing. The lead singer invites patrons to "have a go". A man with a large ego and a terrible voice gets up to sing; Charlie sneaks out the back and his antics result in a short-lived fight outside the pub afterwards.
Chapter Nine:
Calvin outstays Father O'Reilly and the others and gets a chance to kiss Rosamund. Reggie, back at home in the apartment he shares with Calvin, wonders why he's so long in returning. Reggie goes back to Rosamund's house and peeps through the window. He's horrified to see them kissing. Fred and Jolie argue over Rosamund, and so do Horace and Hortensia. Hortensia cools down when she realises her husband was not on his own with Rosamund.
Back at Rangitata's bach, the men go over their schedule for the next day. Both Paddy and Charlie have grave doubts over Rangitata's seemingly foolish plans.
Chapter Ten:
Due to the odd timing of small events, Johnson Henry's and "Uncle Rangatira's" coffins are mixed up. At the service, Jolie trips over the chancel steps on her way to read the eulogy, causing titters among the congregation. During his sermon, Father O'Reilly becomes so fervent in his sermon that he accidentally leans on the button that sends Johnson - 20 minutes too early - down the track and through the curtains. Out the back a series of small events occur, resulting in the mix-up of the coffins. There is a commotion in the chapel when the coffin re-emerges, and Rosamund faints. In the meantime, Rangitata and gang pick up Lana, the new barmaid at the pub and go for a drive around town in a borrowed hearse.
Chapter Eleven:
After the funeral service, Calvin takes the sobbing Rosamund back to his place for a sherry before afternoon tea. The priest invites Paddy back to the presbytery for a cup of tea or perhaps something stronger, and he tells the story of what happened in the chapel.
Chapter Twelve:
The next day dawns wet and miserable. Rangitata goes outside into the rain, naked. A posh young man seeking directions is shocked when he sees Rangitata walk towards him making obscene gestures. The posh young man and his girlfriend leave hurriedly. Charlie returns with Paddy and Lana. While the men sit at their table and talk, Lana, who feels a bit left out, investigates the coffin and is surprised to see Rangitata's "Uncle" is a white man. When she comments on this fact, Rangitata becomes highly emotional and an upset Lana is taken home by Paddy and Charlie.
Chapter Thirteen:
Rosamund has haunting dreams during an afternoon nap and wakes up in a distressed state. She telephones Calvin who gladly comes to her aid and he happily accepts her offer of an evening meal with her.
That same evening Rangitata and friends take Johnson Henry to the cemetery, but have to lie low when Calvin escorts Rosamund through the graveyard, to assure her that Johnson really is dead and buried. When they leave, the men go into action. Rosamund, still unsettled after her dream, persuades Calvin to go back to the cemetery with her, but they leave in terror when they believe they see are two legless men and one headless man carrying a coffin.
Chapter Fourteen:
Hortensia frightens Horace by dropping hints that she knows about his affairs. Horace resigns himself to having Hortensia along with him on future trips. Jolie and Fred argue again but they resolve their differences. Meanwhile, Rangitata and friends finally get the right coffin buried.
Chapter Fifteen:
Lionel and his girlfriend Sarah play a trick on the three men at the bach. The men are spooked and more than ready to leave with the stolen goods as quickly as possible. Father O'Reilly still feels troubled over the Johnson Henry funeral. For solace, he opens the ledger and discovers to his shock that figures have been altered and church treasures are missing. He prays for their return. At exactly the same moment, Charlie's ute stalls in the middle of a flooded ford. The ute is unable to be re-started, so Percy's bulldozer is borrowed for the job.
Chapter Sixteen:
Paddy overhears Rosamund inviting the priest to lunch and he realises it's a good opportunity to change the ledger figures back to their original, and also to return the stolen goods. However, Charlie's conscience hasn't troubled him at all, and he tries a few more deals, including trying for a refund on the sodden coffin. Reggie does a deal of his own, to which Charlie feels obliged to agree with.
Chapter Seventeen:
Charlie has an accident en route to Christchurch. Officials find him down a bank, the treasures, including some from a retired vicar scattered. Charlie is taken into custody for questioning.
It is with a heavy heart that Father O'Reilly returns to his vestry, and discovers to his joy, that everything is back in its rightful place. His prayers have been answered.
Calvin takes Rosamund to the beach and parks at the crest of a stopbank. In his haste to kiss and fondle her after they climb out of his car and lean against the trunk, the car lurches forward and Calvin's face falls forward into Rosamund's ample bosom. "Heaven!" he exclaims.
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